I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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