I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
