i think my tv is drunk
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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