if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize