Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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