all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
