is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
