I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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