Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
