Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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