Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
