She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
