just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
