My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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