How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
