I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
