How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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