Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
