so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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