every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
