I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
