My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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