I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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