I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
you're hired as official boob wrangler
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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