you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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