you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Randomize
