so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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