she takes plan B like it's going out of style
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
