Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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