im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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