well I can't set my house on fire every night
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
