Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
3pm strippers are depressing
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Randomize
