I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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