We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
So vagazzling was a success
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
