Don't make out with my wife yet
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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