dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize