She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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