rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
