If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
