just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
