I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
