she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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