It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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