hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
