What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
