I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
