I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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