she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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