if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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