she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
