All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
