...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
