Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
