I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
