I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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