well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
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