I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
