Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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