Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize