Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
