Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
